I'm upset, I want to cry, no body knows what this feels like, and every single well wish and I'm proud of you feels like patronizing. I can't deal with this.

Why can't I have a fucking stick of celery?

Irrational Craving #7

Egg Salad Sandwich with Cheddar Broccoli Soup

Afternoon Nap

I had a dream—and you were there, and you, and you. There were leftovers from some feast that included food that was vaguely hawaiian or asian (filipino, chinese). I started eating before I remembered that I wasn't supposed to be eating. I didn't want to stop. I started sucking on the food until all the flavor was out. I ran into another room crying.

People were waving large plates of food in my face. And you. And you too. Plates full of everything I wanted. Plates full of everything I want.

It sucks that, on day three, this shit is infiltrating my dreams. I take chewable vitamins with my breakfast shake—there's a slight solace! Something in my mouth.

Irrational Craving #6

WAITER: So that's five miso soup, four seaweed salad, three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter, and one pasta with meatless balls

MARK: Eww

COLLINS: It tastes the same

MIMI: If you close your eyes

WAITER: And thirteen orders of fries, is that it here?

ALL: Wine and beer!

MIMI & ANGEL: To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese, to leather, to dildos, to curry Vindaloo, to Huevos Rancheros and Maya Angelou.

So maybe I'm not hungry for Dildos. Or Maya Angelou. But you get the picture.

I'll remember this next time I want to watch RENT with Whitney.

Irrational Craving #5

red velvet cupcake and a pork chop. seriously? ridiculous.

Irrational Craving #4

Not even a scary illustration of a white kid can take away this hunger pain.

Half an hour until 2.4. I think we'll do chocolate.

Irrational Craving #3

Pepeaos, also known as Ha Gao. Shrimp Dimsum. Yes.

2.2

Coffee tastes like poo.

2.1 down the hatch

Just took first shake of day 2. They feel like medication—which is a good thing, I think, mostly because the paradigm shift in thinking about nourishment will help for post-op restrictions.

I think Vanilla is my favorite. I'm scared of trying coffee. Banana tastes like crushed up runts, and chocolate a little . . . muddy. Vanilla goes down the hatch just fine though, so when it comes to getting more of this stuff, I'll have to ask for Vanilla.

I'm going to try coffee next—no reason to be scared. It could taste delicious.

Next shake between 2-3PM.

Maybe because I'm hungry? But . . .

. . . this made me cry.

Can't Sleep

Well into day 2 and not sleeping—starting to feel hungry, and should go to bed.

Scared that I'll not be able to control myself in the dark.

Dreaming—necessary.

Irrational Craving #2

The piece of bread after the mullet.

Irrational Craving #1

AM/PM Hamburger with pickles.

Getting to 180.6

♪♪I'm a hungry teapot, tall yet stout

Got to lose a lot of weight to get a surgery

When I get all hungry, hear me pout

If you've got food then get the hell out♪♪

Perhaps it needs a little work, but—whatever. I have already embarked on this mission to lose weight as soon as possible in preparation for surgery. Today is day 1. I went from an uncontrolled diet (note the difference between uncontrolled and unhealthy) to a COMPLETELY controlled diet. Six times a day, about 2.5-3 hours between "meals," I drink a high protein meal replacement that is geared toward putting my body in a ketonic state. Essentially, we're tricking it into burning fat. I worked out today for a bit too—lifting weights with Phil. I hope to keep better track of exactly what I do.

It's about an hour before shake #4 of day #1. Maybe these things need a dating system—I'll refer to things as 1.4 (day 1, shake 4) or 22.6 (day 22, shake 6). Six months—180 days of this, or less. I think I can make it. I know I can make it.

But I'm very hungry. VERY very hungry. I sigh every now and then because my stomach is aching, and I feel like I've eaten balloons.

Promises:

• I will to be posting daily, maybe more than once daily. Feel free to be encouraging as often as possible. (The promise here is that I'm going to keep up with this blog)
• I'll let you know when I slip off the bandwagon. But it isn't a bandwagon. It's a lonely wagon.

My stomach hurts. 45 minutes until my first banana.